Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Just Spank It

A 90 year old patient comes into our office. His cute old wife and middle-aged son are in our waiting area for him while I take him to his room. The old man is dressed very nicely, has a respectable comb over, basically exudes the typical grandfather aura. As I walk him back to his room to see his therapist, I can tell he's a bullshitter so I go along with his antics. Occasionally going along with it can backfire, but if it does it is usually with younger guys who mistaken my banter for interest. But I can usually see it coming well before they cross the line and make the weird and inappropriate comments that usually start with, "You have beautiful eyes" or "So I noticed you're not wearing a ring." It's like watching a train derail. You must get the train back on track or you will possibly be scarred for life. Some days though, the train wins.

As the old man gets situated in the chair continuing to rattle on, I try to politely end the conversation by walking halfway out of the room while my other half hangs onto the door with my left hand. I then see this 90 year old man eyeballing my hand. This is what I heard:

"Well if you're not married, why don't you shut the door and stay awhile. Something might pop up!"

Minutes went by as I sat at my desk pondering this violation of everything good and pure I've known grandfathers to be. Was it possible that I misunderstood? I looked in his chart to see if dementia was documented anywhere. Nope. All systems were clear. And no crazy meds. I had just been perved.

My boss thought I had misunderstood him, so in a strategical maneuver as my boss, she made me sit, as bait, at the desk by the exit to see if he would say something else to me. She busied herself with her back to me, listening as he shuffled by me. He paused. As God, and Ginger, is my witness:
"Just remember, if something pops up, just spank it!"

The Short Of It

My hair is long for a very obvious reason. It elongates the face. And why do I need to do that?

Because I inherited the Moore curse of chipmunk cheeks. No matter how slim I get, I still look like I'm storing nuts for the winter in my face.

Such is the dismay of girls with round faces. Our hair choices are limited. And after having long hair for most of my life, it is somewhat of a security blanket. It's a strange thing to feel the wind on the back of your neck when it's been covered up. Even wearing a ponytail seems weird and unnatural. But I'm tired of looking the same. I think a change would do me good. :)
So it's been awhile. I pretty much knew I would fail at keeping up with this. But I have nothing better to do while I'm waiting for some some bread to bake. And I am making myself stay in tonight, so I'm going to share some recent silly stuff. I think I may break them up into separate entries to make it more fun. Since my last entry in 2008, I have acquired an intestinal disorder, felt the temptation to cut my hair short, was perved on by a 90 year old at work, made a new gay man friend, thought of a genius way to supplement my income, and I met Cha Cha.

Yes. I have been busy.

The intestinal, not so great for the 5 days it drained me of every fluid in my body. Were I not such a camel anyway, I would have shriveled up in the first day. Probably a medical mystery. It was a violent thing with little sleep and long days at work. I walked out on several patients in mid-sentence so I wouldn't make a mess of things... And one night, my stomach growled so loud that it woke me from a dead sleep. Just so happens that at that very moment I had been dreaming that I was pregnant with a vampire lovechild that was trying to rip its way out of my body. (It did present initially with nausea and the smell of food made it worse, typical symptoms of morning sickness...) And we all know that if it could happen, my luck would get me impregnanted by a vampire, or I would immaculately conceive a wildebeest. We'll see if it's either on Friday when I visit with Dr. Mertz.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

You can't make this up

I met two new species of the human race whom I had not been privileged to meet until this week. Monday morning at 8 a.m., I had my hands down the backside of an old lady's one-piece Lycra bodysuit. Truly one of the most evil things ever invented, after several minutes I finally got the electrodes down to her lower back and ginormous butt. She then confessed to me, because everyone says weird and socially inappropriate things to me while I'm enclosed in a small room with them, that she hasn't bought panties OR bras in years. WHAT? And as if I wasn't weirded out enough at this point she turns and looks straight at my chest and says, "You're about a C or D right? You could get one too!" Thanks lady. I am horrified by you.

Door #2 was a patient we entered into the Patient Hall of Shame after 2 visits. She's a sweet gal but defines "rough around the edges". She's probably killed a trucker or two in her day. She is a bigger girl, close to 6 ft., well over 250 lbs.. She likes to wear spaghetti strap tank tops and daisy duke shorts with her back brace that disappears somewhere between the tank top and the shorts when she's sitting, then magically reappears when she stands. She believes her teeny tank tops are plenty of support for her proportionate boobs, which in case you miss them, are highlighted by 2 giant tattoos. On her back are 2 more giant tattoos done so that it looks like the ones in the front seeped right on through to the back. This week she came in with 4 of the biggest hickies I have ever seen on her neck ,wearing them proudly like Olympic medals. I of course didn't ask which made her want to tell me even more, "Well, I might be disabled but I'm still getting something done!"

Saturday, September 6, 2008

The beginning, hopefully not the end...

This is actually a last ditch effort to keep myself from studying.  Yeah, get a blog and blab about my day, sounds better than trying to remember anything about physics!  But here it is... my first online journal.  I never have been good at getting in the habit of this.  My Mom bought me a diary with a lock on it when I was a wee little one, and I found it in a drawer in my bedroom at my parent's last weekend.  Very strange to read about who my crush was when I was 8, and then skip to a long diatribe about middle school dances.  But alas, I am going to try to keep up with this once in awhile.  

As for the day that has totally flown by, it has been very relaxing and I'm looking forward to another day like it tomorrow! I took my time waking up, which began at 7:30, and lasted a couple hours. I stayed at my dear friend, Ali's, apartment last night and will be here until Monday morning while she is in New York.  So after I showered and decided NOT to study right away (because it happened to be a good hair day too), I went to lunch Ella, met another friend, Ginger, to work on a presentation, and then the real fun began... a field trip to Hustler Hollywood!  We were on a mission for lingerie shower goodies for Jenni, who is getting married in a couple weeks.  Might I add that whenever I get married, nothing is off limits in the lingerie shower/bachelorette party department!  I never quite understood the girls who are embarrassed by flavored lotions, dirty games, and edible underthings.  How much more fun can you get?!  And what is possibly even funnier are the people coming in and out of there.  I kid you not, I passed a couple who were every bit pushing 70!!  I applauded them for their  elderly horniness and hope to be doing the same at their age.  It was a beautiful thing.   Anyway, I found this thing that cannot be described as anything but the most classic, hysterical lingerie gift I have ever gotten anyone.  Remember the candy necklaces from our childhood?  Well some genius boy out there decided to handcraft some tassels for us girls to wear on our...
LOL!  She is going to crack up!!!  Another family favorite will be the white thong with a white veil connected to it.  I don't know if you can imagine it, but memories will be made with these two!  Woowee, I love that store!!... even if it does have a wall of movies that make me want to cover my eyes in a corner and suck my thumb.  

So that's it for today.  Friends, more friends, and dirty fun sexy stuff.  And I'm going to study hard for the next 30 minutes. : )  Oh, and if you are wondering what on earth I could be studying for... it would be the MCAT, again.  If I don't get into school soon, I swear I'm going to move to the beach and braid hair for a living.