Just Spank It

A 90 year old patient comes into our office. His cute old wife and middle-aged son are in our waiting area for him while I take him to his room. The old man is dressed very nicely, has a respectable comb over, basically exudes the typical grandfather aura. As I walk him back to his room to see his therapist, I can tell he's a bullshitter so I go along with his antics. Occasionally going along with it can backfire, but if it does it is usually with younger guys who mistaken my banter for interest. But I can usually see it coming well before they cross the line and make the weird and inappropriate comments that usually start with, "You have beautiful eyes" or "So I noticed you're not wearing a ring." It's like watching a train derail. You must get the train back on track or you will possibly be scarred for life. Some days though, the train wins.

As the old man gets situated in the chair continuing to rattle on, I try to politely end the conversation by walking halfway out of the room while my other half hangs onto the door with my left hand. I then see this 90 year old man eyeballing my hand. This is what I heard:

"Well if you're not married, why don't you shut the door and stay awhile. Something might pop up!"

Minutes went by as I sat at my desk pondering this violation of everything good and pure I've known grandfathers to be. Was it possible that I misunderstood? I looked in his chart to see if dementia was documented anywhere. Nope. All systems were clear. And no crazy meds. I had just been perved.

My boss thought I had misunderstood him, so in a strategical maneuver as my boss, she made me sit, as bait, at the desk by the exit to see if he would say something else to me. She busied herself with her back to me, listening as he shuffled by me. He paused. As God, and Ginger, is my witness:
"Just remember, if something pops up, just spank it!"